Celebrity Love Poem Trilogy

Tulisa completes the trilogy of celebrity love poems:

Tulisa

I like Tulisa and her sad, sad face,

And Tulisa likes me, in my sad, sad place,

We’d get over the video and stay in the flat,

I’d get drunk and she’d get fat,

But we’d love one another till’t end of time,

Fat and drunk in the towers - but still sublime,

Until that big lad came back on the scene,

Then everything would disintegrate,

Due to my uncontrollable and all-consuming jealousy.

Helen (I've Gone Off Colleen)

I like Helen on her teacher’s chair,

And she’d like me with my affro hair,

We’d ride to Vegas on our Palomino,

Sniffing ether and drinking vino,

All would be bliss until the next day,

When she’d find God and I’d go grey,

She’d slap my face, I would vomit,

We’d laugh, make up,

And go back to discussing Descartes in the sand.

Colleen

I like Colleen in her blue bikini,

And she’d like me in my stripy beanie,

We'd have to keep our mouths shut tight,

In Andalucia all Saturday night,

Still all would be bliss until the next day,

When I'd demean her verbally,

The most horrible way,

She’d throw a plate,

I would duck,

We’d laugh,

Make up,

And go back to discussing Socratic method on the lawn.