Metanonfiction

Metanonfiction.

She has blocked all pop-ups.
There is no flashing, unwanted message on her screen.
She does not advertise, or accept advertisement.
Unpack your heart, she says to me,
But I have none,
I take but have nothing to give.

She sits on her feet, black-leggined knees,
Point outwards at ninety degrees,
On the comfy chair,
A candle, acoustic,
Like she’s drunk passive content, no fear,
Her hair brushed, her eyes smile.
Don’t worry, she says to me,
Only ever in the present tense,
No make-up, barefoot,
No mobile, no telly, no traffic, appointments.
Water and sunflower seeds.
She’s waiting on me, but I’m paralyzed,
With self-doubt insecurity,
Loathing eating me from the inside out.

She can balance anything,
Even all the horror of the real-world existence.
She exists authentic while I’m a nightmare in construction.
She has nature on her side,
No itches and itching itching itching.
She blows the smoke into my mouth as I,
Breathe in as deep as I can.
Seconds, I like myself again,
Worries all gone, my adverts gone.
All soft soft lips and smooth fresh-cool pillow.
Why don’t I feel like this all the time?

Let me see you,
Smiles, soft laughs not strained, the pool,
The bucket, Marley, another epiphany,
Which will be gone by morning.
Jack and Coke,
Heavy Mouse and I need a cigarette to put the spin on,
Conscious of its dirtiness to her,
Regressed, I infect her,
Heavy Mouse and Piggy Fanny and Piggy Hardon,
Regress and regress.
Shave and regress.
But what will they say, I’m writing and longing for Heavy,
When they find out,
I’m still full of fear,
Have so many doubts,
I will have to explain it away,
Like political allegory,
Shave and regress and explain it as art,
Some excuse making it something else
And they’ll know but sure they already know, No,
I’ve no other lesson to teach,
Being dishonest,
A spurious leech,
Would glorify all these to all those I love.
Smoke and get cancer,
Stress and get an ulcer,
Create a new space and cough up the rent..
There are better ways to live,
Play on with the show,
Show why you’re sent.
Play me something,
I’ve forgotten the words,
Show me something, tell me something,
Oh God, please last forever,
Swim, food, God’s food,
Then they come in, Oh Christ!

You’re a bastard, she says while he disappears,
He could beat me, but has no interest or fears,
And I hate him for it.
Look at you!
I run my tongue along the inside of my top front teeth,
Maced eyes,
Gap, tooth, broken, gap, broken, tooth,
She looks at her,
Wake up, she says,
He’s a shithouse, look at him.
Don’t look at me, don’t see me,
And I remember the time I first met her,
Staggering, falling into tables,
In the restaurant,
Starting fights, making a scene,
With my red hair,
And I hate her for it.

A little piss comes out of me,
Look at him, with a look of disgust.
She smiles, Come on, she says, we’ll go for a walk.
Everything she does is right, except me.
In the sunshine on the grass
Oh God, please let this last forever,
Thank God it doesn’t.